Sleepless

There is something I need to say

It disturbs my sleep; I guess it’s supposed to, but not in the way I imagine the author intended. I’ve been reading Dr Jessica Taylor’s Sexy, But Psycho as recommended to me by a friend after I confided I was planning to study for a Psychology degree. My interest had grown recently as I struggled to unpick and classify the numerous ways in which gender critical bigots undermine and repress trans+ rights. I wanted to counter them, refute them, with (academically) informed arguments rather than instinct alone.

My pre-study booklist included Oliver Sacks’ The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat - an anthology of case studies in neurological and neuropsychiatric conditions which seemed an approachable introduction to a subject I know nothing about.

Until Jess Taylor swept the legs from under me and hasn’t stopped punching me in the face every time I pick up and continue reading her book. It disturbs me because I have spent the greater part of my life benefiting from male privilege - whether I was aware of it or not - and latterly having to come to terms with my position in the order of things that the patriarchy opposes and despises.

This is not what I signed up for. I wanted neat packaged answers with illustrated case studies - each with a tidy diagnosis. Not Dr Taylor stamping dispassionately on my preconceived notions.

What I had previously felt outraged over in the world of transphobic oppression and negation pales into insignificance when weighed against Jess Taylor’s experiences and those women and girls she has spoken to at length of their encounters with the world of systemic misogyny in the field of women’s health - and more specifically, their mental health.

Sacks’ tales seem charming, whimsical even, in comparison and I found myself wondering if I’m even cut out for studying psychology if this is how I fail at my first hurdle.

I can’t help feeling guilt over my past, a combination of fraud and imposter syndrome for my present support for trans+ rights, and outrage over the normalisation of the systemic abuse of women revealed by Jess Taylor. I hope these feelings are a sign that I’m on the right path. They unsettle me from what I was expecting to be a cosy academic time-filler in my twilight years. They show I still have passion.

I know I shouldn’t feel like that - trans rights are human rights; women’s rights are human rights - everyone knows that. Particularly those who would remove those rights.

Keep in mind I’ve not started athe degree yet, I’ve never studied anything academically; this is just me getting a feel for whether or not I could manage the task. I’m barely out of the trap and feeling disoriented and out of my comfort zone.

Someone please tell me it’s OK to feel this way.

Has anyone else come up against this conflict? Has anyone else felt torn between absolutes like this and, if so, how did you come to terms with them?

*Image: 37635656 @ Blackspring - Dreamstime.com